Saturday, December 31, 2011

Not The Best Way To Start A New Year...

So I'm here, on New Years Eve, feeling like shit; not wanting to see anyone or do anything but sit here and watch TV. I've been fighting the feeling for a week now, but I'm only so strong, I had to give in the other day. I hate feeling like this; I could be in a room full of people and still feel alone, not wanting to see anyone because I don't want to have to put on that fake smile and pretend that I'm happy, or worse, pile all my problems and feelings on them and then they feel bad. I really hate not wanting to spend time with my loved ones or do the things I want to do, especially on a special day.

Depression is a total catch-22; I hate feeling like this, but at the same time I like it, its my comfort zone. I've dealt with this since as long as I can remember, and I'm not sure I'd know what to do if I didn't have the drastic ups and downs. When I'm down, I feel like...myself, and when I'm up, I feel like I can be who I want to I'm full of life. And I'm torn between whether I'm happy or not about the fact that I don't want to eat when I'm depressed, no matter how long it lasts, I just don't have an appetite. I'm only human so of course there is a part of me that thinks 'well at least I'll loose a little weight', however, I do know that that isn't exactly a good thing. Normally I have a very healthy appetite, too healthy from time to time. So for me to not want to eat, or not enjoy eating at all, is a big deal.

In the grand scheme of things I don't think its that bad of a way to live, I mean, I could think of worse things to have to deal with in life. But I can't help but think how life would be like if I didn't have to deal with this. What would life be like if I could just feel full of life all the time...

I'm glad I'm off work for the next several days, maybe that will be enough time for me to move through this funk and get back to living my life.

Well, I guess I will get back to the TV...maybe watch one of my new movies tonight, and fall asleep around 9, as usual. Nothing special about New Years Eve for me...thanks to me, because its certainly not for lack of trying from my friends.

I do hope that everyone else has a great night, be safe and I'll see you in 2012!

Thursday, December 29, 2011

The Weather Outside Is Frightful

Ok, I have to rant on this confounded weather for a minute:

So we actually had to turn on the heat last night...first time this winter, it actually got down to the mid 30s! It truly amazes me how one day it will be 82°, and the next it will be 63°. And it still couldn't be even close to cold for the Christmas weekend... Yet another reason why I hate Florida. Now don't get me wrong, Florida can be very nice on vacation, or in photographs and movies, but living in and day gets old, fast!

I love cold weather; not that I mind a warm, even hot summer, but I would rather have it on the cool side all year than be hot most the year and warm the rest. 

I'm originally from Georgia, and in Georgia we actually have seasons; the weather changes from cold, to warm, to hot, to cool, and then back to cold...there is non of this 20-40 degree difference on a daily basis! Of course this drastic difference in the temperature is only during the fall and winter, spring and summer are pretty much just hot or hotter (after you hit 90° you're just to hot to care if its higher than that lol). 

I'm use to the summers and the heat down here now, even without having air conditioning in my car. But after 7 winters here my body still cannot get use to the crazy weather this time of year. It reeks havoc on my body and my psyche...ugh...

Alright, rant over... 
I now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

No white Christmas, but it wasn't blue either!

Well it was a great Christmas for me! Even though it was an unbelievable 80 something degrees down here on both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day lol.

First off, Santa Cherry (that's me) was able to get a little something for her family, which made her extremely happy! I was so disappointed thinking that I wouldn't be able to do even a little bit, but when I got off work early on Friday, and that being payday, I decided to battle my way through the crowds and go last minute Christmas shopping...and for those of you who don't know, I do NOT do last minute Christmas shopping, or Black Friday shopping for that matter; the sales just aren't worth it to me. But luckily I was able to get everything I needed at the one-stop shop that is Target. They saved my ass and everything was on sale! So one hour and $70 later I was ready for Christmas! Plus, nobody was home when I got there so I didn't have to sneak things in, so I was able to surprise everyone (my parents and my brother) on Christmas morning with presents under the tree! And to top it all off, everyone loved their gift (way-to-go, Santa Cherry)!!

Moving on, it was SO good to see my brother for a couple of days! Work was slow and I didn't get called in on my days off (Sunday and Monday) so I got two good days to spend with my brother. Though I didn't go to our neighbor's party on Christmas Eve, we had a great time Christmas night when we went over to their house for dessert; staying up till midnight talking and drinking. I did miss not having my sister there, but we video chatted with her and her family for a few minutes so we at least got to see and talk to her.

I got much more from "Santa" than I was expecting too! First of all, I got about five used Xbox games from my brother (ones that he doesn't play anymore), and my actually present from him was the new/old Halo Anniversary. So happy about that because now, even though we live in different states, we can play Halo together like we use to when it first came out! I also got Wipeout: In The Zone and Disneyland Adventures, both for Kinect, two DVDs; Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, and Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, and some cute hair pins from my aunts, uncles and cousins up in Georgia. Along with the XBox and Kinect, the ring, purse, and glass pumpkin I got as early presents, it was quite a Christmas!

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas too!

My early Christmas presents from Lee:

  The Glass Pumpkin; White with black stem                                               The Ruby Ring

Some of my Christmas presents from the family:
                                                                                           Video games

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Its The Holiday Season!

So Christmas is almost here...yay! Its finally sinking in that this Sunday...3 days from now is Christmas day. I've been so overwhelmed with other life things and getting ready for Christmas that Christmas has snuck up on me. 

I'm a little sad that I didn't have the money this year to get anybody much of anything, but knowing me I'll make it up to everyone throughout the coming year. I have already received most of my gifts...I tend to get my presents months before the occasion (I will post pics soon). But more than opening any presents on Christmas morning I am looking forward to seeing my brother! He will be driving down from Georgia on Christmas morning to be here in time for dinner that afternoon. I must say, I love my whole family but Christmas isn't Christmas without my big bro! We were very close growing up, being only a year apart, and though we have had our problems he is still the coolest, kindest, most fun person I know. :)

It has been a busy season, but a good one. Aside from being so sick for so long, I have really had a good couple of months; I have gotten to spend time with family and friends, do lots of fun things like Disney and museums, and have been in a very creative spirit! Though I have been broke I have had lots of good times and good ideas for jewelry and all sorts of arts and crafts that I'm into, and I hope to be able to bring those ideas to life after the new year when the money starts rolling...make that trickling in again lol.

Have a safe and very Merry Christmas!!!

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Every Day At Disney Is A Dream Come True!

What a wonderful couple of days! I was dying to see Disney this year before Christmas to see all the decorations, so my girlfriend Dottie and I went on Tuesday. It was of course great; we did things that I hadn't done yet and it was a perfect day to be there between the weather and the crowds.

We went to Hollywood Studios and I finally got to ride the new Star Tours and the Toy Story Midway Mania and had lunch at Pizza Planet. Then we went to Magic Kingdom and watched the Celebrate a Dream Come True Parade (we got front row seating right on the curb on Main Street!), then ended up getting there just in time to see Captain Jack Sparrow's Pirate Tutorial, rode the new Haunted Mansion; can you believe I have never actually walked through the Graveyard...I mean come on, I work with the dead, you think I'd have gone that way before haha, the Prince Charming Regal Carousel (which apparently I forgot that poor Dottie does not like horses...but she was a great sport and rode it anyway!), and Snow White's Scary Adventures, then we each got a giant cinnamon role for dinner and left.

I didn't get to see the parks all lit up at night but we just didn't want to stay too late, especially since I'm still not feeling back to 100% from being sick. So I did miss seeing the lights but other than that it was a great trip!

And to top it off, I got to go to my boy Lee's for the night and spent all day Wednesday with him just taking it easy at his place...poor thing felt so left out that he couldn't go to Disney with us.

Anyhow, here are a few pics I took at the parks, sorry they aren't better but I was just using my phone.

The Parade:

Captain Jack:

The Haunted Mansion: 

The Tree:

Cinderella's Castle:

Monday, December 5, 2011

Lovers & Fighters

I am in a quandary...I have this friend, Lee, who's really more that just a friend he's a good friend and a "friend with benefits" (I guess I could use the word "lover" but I just don't like the "L" word). I have known him for almost six months now and we have really enjoyed getting to know each other and spending time together. We met online and I told him up front that I was not interested in a serious romantic relationship, he agreed that that was not was he was wanting either so we decided to meet and see if we could fulfill what each of us was looking for, totally just FWB.

Well, after we started spending a good amount of time together we both realized that our feelings for each other were growing...unfortunately, my feelings for him stopped at a great like while he has completely fallen in love (we're talking head-over-heals, I'm perfect, we're made for each other kind of love). Needless to say with neither one of us looking for that kind of connection we were both a bit surprised. 

So when he asked me to go steady (yes, he really said those words, which I found adorable) I thought maybe I should give it a shot; he is a really great guy, treats me better than almost every other guy I've known, and that's a lot, and I would be very lucky to have him as my full-fledged boyfriend instead of just a friend. 

However, it didn't last...I still don't want to be in a serious, committed, romantic relationship, not to mention I know my feelings for him do not reciprocate his for much as I may want them to. We have discussed our feelings several times and he knows how I feel about him and relationships in general, and I have told him that if he really wants more out of a relationship he will have to find someone else, I just can't do it, which he replied to with 'there's no one else'. So after talking about it we both agreed and are now, and have been for awhile, back to just friends with benefits; which means we still get to hang out and do everything we want to do together but we don't have to answer to each other about anything and we can still see other people...both of those being very important to me. Not that I'm going around sleeping with a ton of other guys but I don't want to be tied down to one person, if I do want to sleep with another guy I want the freedom to do it, monogamy is just not my thing (and yes, he knows this). 

Anyway, he has been really good at trying not to say the "L" word but a few days ago he said it, flat out with no apology. I wasn't all that surprised but still, what do you say to someone that just said they love you when you know that they know that you don't love them back?

To add to my dilemma, I was with him yesterday and he said that he wants to be exclusive, wants to be officially a couple and though he knows its too early for this he wants to put a ring on my finger...AH!!! Naturally my first instinct here was to run for the hills, but I found myself just kind of stuck, looking at him and actually trying to picture myself saying yes...but alas I just sat there with nothing coming out of my mouth. He understood but said he is tired of holding back his feelings. I told him I didn't want him to hold back, but I also couldn't give him the answer he wanted. As much as I feel for him its just not right to say I love him if I don't truly love him.

So as I have been for a while now, I keep asking myself what I should do...even though I know the answer; I have to be true to myself. I told him straight up when we met what I was like, and that I have a record of being a heartbreaker; he knew what he was getting into before he stepped into it. 

But then why do I feel so bad?