Friday, January 13, 2012

Hurt People Hurt People

Why are we the way we are? Why is it inevitable that everyone you know will at some point hurt you, let you down, etc.?

It seems it is too common for people to misunderstand each other. I know this comes from the fact that everyone is different, but why is it that some times we go looking to misunderstand someone? Why is it that we some times go looking for a "fight"? I try not to be that kind of person, but it is inevitable that everyone will do it sooner or later, and more than once in their lifetime. I am not typically that kind of person (though of course I do it from time to time); I'm not the kind of person who thrives on drama and making things difficult for others. I do know several people that are like that, and though I love them to a point, that is a trait I cannot stand in any person.

I don't want to upset the people I love, but it happens. I don't want to snap at people for no fault of their own, but it happens. I don't want to say that mean spirited thing that I know will cut you down faster than anything, but I do. And I know it all comes from my hurt place and goes straight to yours. A vicious cycle that can only be stopped by knowledge and hard work. We must learn to understand our weak points and why we do these things when we do, and then consciously work to stop ourselves before we do them. Otherwise, we will just continue to hurt those around us, then they will in-turn hurt those around them, and so on till the whole world bleeds to death and there is no one left to hurt anyone or be hurt.

“Hurt people hurt people. We are not being judgmental by separating ourselves from such people. But we should do so with compassion. Compassion is defined as a "keen awareness of the suffering of another coupled with a desire to see it relieved." People hurt others as a result of their own inner strife and pain. Avoid the reactive response of believing they are bad; they already think so and are acting that way. They aren't bad; they are damaged and they deserve compassion. Note that compassion is an internal process, an understanding of the painful and troubled road trod by another. It is not trying to change or fix that person.” 

I don't like people as a general rule, most are just not worth my time and those that are will still get in the way at some point or another. This is why I don't like to get into a committed relationship; I know myself and I know human nature, and it all just creates drama and pain. So for me, I like to keep those types of relations at a comfortable distance. I don't need to know everything about him and he doesn't need to know everything about me. We don't need to spend every waking moment together but some time every once in a while is nice. And I most definitely don't want to have to explain myself to him regarding anything, much less everything.

I had a conversation with Lee today, it started out fine as I was telling him about planning to take my niece and nephew to see the Lipizzaner Stallions when they come stay with us for a week next month. I invited him to go with us because he loves horses (we have been wanting to go horseback riding ever since we met). Well, he just starts picking at things; "they're beautiful so they're expensive", actually they only request a $5 donation; "they just look like horses to me", of course they do, because that's what they are. You get the point. I hate it when people do that, if you don't want to go just fucking say so! Anyway, so I told him that. Surprise, he didn't like it.

This is just an example of what I'm talking about, it's inevitable when you're around other people. Why would I want this in my life?! I DON'T!

But even with that being said, I'm not going to stop seeing Lee, or any of my other guys, or my friends or family. As much as I may want to at times, I am still human and I do need at least some interaction with other people...I just want to keep it as drama and bullshit free as possible.

Believe it or not I do want to be a good person; I want to be the best me I can be and I don't want to hurt others or make them less than the best them they can be. But at the same time, I have to actively guard myself against being too distant with my tendency to not get very close. I am that person who constantly has that wall up, and very few people ever get in; only those who I decide I can not only forgive when they hurt me but truly let the hurt go. I know I do this to avoid getting hurt, and people tell me that its not a good thing to live like that, but I can't help but it really that bad? Am I really hurting myself by protecting myself from getting hurt by others? 

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