Monday, December 5, 2011

Lovers & Fighters

I am in a quandary...I have this friend, Lee, who's really more that just a friend he's a good friend and a "friend with benefits" (I guess I could use the word "lover" but I just don't like the "L" word). I have known him for almost six months now and we have really enjoyed getting to know each other and spending time together. We met online and I told him up front that I was not interested in a serious romantic relationship, he agreed that that was not was he was wanting either so we decided to meet and see if we could fulfill what each of us was looking for, totally just FWB.

Well, after we started spending a good amount of time together we both realized that our feelings for each other were growing...unfortunately, my feelings for him stopped at a great like while he has completely fallen in love (we're talking head-over-heals, I'm perfect, we're made for each other kind of love). Needless to say with neither one of us looking for that kind of connection we were both a bit surprised. 

So when he asked me to go steady (yes, he really said those words, which I found adorable) I thought maybe I should give it a shot; he is a really great guy, treats me better than almost every other guy I've known, and that's a lot, and I would be very lucky to have him as my full-fledged boyfriend instead of just a friend. 

However, it didn't last...I still don't want to be in a serious, committed, romantic relationship, not to mention I know my feelings for him do not reciprocate his for much as I may want them to. We have discussed our feelings several times and he knows how I feel about him and relationships in general, and I have told him that if he really wants more out of a relationship he will have to find someone else, I just can't do it, which he replied to with 'there's no one else'. So after talking about it we both agreed and are now, and have been for awhile, back to just friends with benefits; which means we still get to hang out and do everything we want to do together but we don't have to answer to each other about anything and we can still see other people...both of those being very important to me. Not that I'm going around sleeping with a ton of other guys but I don't want to be tied down to one person, if I do want to sleep with another guy I want the freedom to do it, monogamy is just not my thing (and yes, he knows this). 

Anyway, he has been really good at trying not to say the "L" word but a few days ago he said it, flat out with no apology. I wasn't all that surprised but still, what do you say to someone that just said they love you when you know that they know that you don't love them back?

To add to my dilemma, I was with him yesterday and he said that he wants to be exclusive, wants to be officially a couple and though he knows its too early for this he wants to put a ring on my finger...AH!!! Naturally my first instinct here was to run for the hills, but I found myself just kind of stuck, looking at him and actually trying to picture myself saying yes...but alas I just sat there with nothing coming out of my mouth. He understood but said he is tired of holding back his feelings. I told him I didn't want him to hold back, but I also couldn't give him the answer he wanted. As much as I feel for him its just not right to say I love him if I don't truly love him.

So as I have been for a while now, I keep asking myself what I should do...even though I know the answer; I have to be true to myself. I told him straight up when we met what I was like, and that I have a record of being a heartbreaker; he knew what he was getting into before he stepped into it. 

But then why do I feel so bad?

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