So I'm here, on New Years Eve, feeling like shit; not wanting to see anyone or do anything but sit here and watch TV. I've been fighting the feeling for a week now, but I'm only so strong, I had to give in the other day. I hate feeling like this; I could be in a room full of people and still feel alone, not wanting to see anyone because I don't want to have to put on that fake smile and pretend that I'm happy, or worse, pile all my problems and feelings on them and then they feel bad. I really hate not wanting to spend time with my loved ones or do the things I want to do, especially on a special day.
Depression is a total catch-22; I hate feeling like this, but at the same time I like it, its my comfort zone. I've dealt with this since as long as I can remember, and I'm not sure I'd know what to do if I didn't have the drastic ups and downs. When I'm down, I feel like...myself, and when I'm up, I feel like I can be who I want to be...like I'm full of life. And I'm torn between whether I'm happy or not about the fact that I don't want to eat when I'm depressed, no matter how long it lasts, I just don't have an appetite. I'm only human so of course there is a part of me that thinks 'well at least I'll loose a little weight', however, I do know that that isn't exactly a good thing. Normally I have a very healthy appetite, too healthy from time to time. So for me to not want to eat, or not enjoy eating at all, is a big deal.
In the grand scheme of things I don't think its that bad of a way to live, I mean, I could think of worse things to have to deal with in life. But I can't help but think how life would be like if I didn't have to deal with this. What would life be like if I could just feel full of life all the time...
I'm glad I'm off work for the next several days, maybe that will be enough time for me to move through this funk and get back to living my life.
Well, I guess I will get back to the TV...maybe watch one of my new movies tonight, and fall asleep around 9, as usual. Nothing special about New Years Eve for me...thanks to me, because its certainly not for lack of trying from my friends.
I do hope that everyone else has a great night, be safe and I'll see you in 2012!